Advice Illustrated: Prudie, please give me an excuse not to shut up

The originals are HERE.

All the writers are asking Prudie for permission to open their pieholes. People, you can open your piehole. That's why it opens.

Letter 1 is from a woman whose brother is in the military, serving in Afghanistan. How should she react when the creepy liberals around her denigrate the military? Prudie provides some conversation-stoppers. I agree with her, except for the notion that those in military actions who commit crimes are arrested, judged, and punished. Some are, many aren't, including the ones truly responsible. And Prudie: self-hating liberal much? Sucking up to Plotz?

Video letter is from an artist who offered some folks a free work of art and sent the wrong catalog to choose from. One of the persons chose her most expensive works. How does she deal? Prudie provides a rather obvious response for a ridiculous question. I say a contract is a contract, and you better make that custom piece for this guy!

Letter 2 is from a woman whose doggie was killed in an unfortunate accident. She wants a new one, which will cost a bundle. Can she make the woman who accidently killed the dog pay? Prudie says she shouldn't expect anything, but she can ask. And she wonders why the woman needs a dog that costs a grand, when there are plenty of dogs available in shelters for nominal fees. I say this woman is a bitch. She lost control of her dogs (after one shits in the public area of her building) and one is killed. It's sad, but it's her fault. And there is no justification in paying so much for a dog (which she didn't actually do... if she had paid that much for the dead dog, she would have said so). I hate you.

Letter Writer 3 is being pressured to attend an annual fundraiser in honor of a deceased friend. They can't afford the show-off event, and make a more modest donation directly to the charity. How do they deal with the pressure from the hosts of the bash? Prudie says asking why she doesn't attend is rude, and she doesn't have to explain. I might be tempted to respond: if you really cared about our dead friend, you would make your donation directly, without using it as an excuse for a social occasion.

Letter Writer 4 was with her engaged friend when they walked in on the fiancé bonking a bimbo in their soon-to-be conjugal bed. Fiancé claims it was a one-time thing, and friend has forgiven him, and will go ahead with the wedding. Should LW try to talk friend out of the marriage. Prudie says yes. I don't really care.

Advice Illustrated, 24 March 2011: Bolts for dolts

This week's selection sponsored by Midge, the new reference in gold-digging artistes

Hi there. The originals are HERE.

Letter 1 is from a dying man who wants to leave money to his mistress in his will. Prudie says it's important to make sure its discreet, and to plan for the truth coming out. I say, yeah. And I look forward to the fake-Christian/fake-Muslim fake attacks on Emily's lack of morality. Pre-emptive yawn.

Biggest fashion issue here is the carpet

Video letter is from a tall girl who wants a snappy reply to the dolts who point out that she's tall. Prudie offers one via a colleague. My reply to the comment: "Boy, you're tall!" would be "And my, you're observant. And a clod.".

A Park Slope susheteria

Letter 2 is from a guy (I just feel this is a sensitive male Park Sloper) who wants to know how to show the staff at the sushi place he eats how compassionate he is regarding the situation in the Land of the Rising Sun. Prudie says to STFU. I say, STFU you weanie. Now, if there's a collection box there, you can donate. And if you were in DC, you could have signed the condolence book at the embassy, but that closed yesterday. You could still do a candlelight vigil or something at a consulate. They're HERE.

Babies don't have to be this chubby, but they shouldn't be rail thin, either

Letter 3 is from a woman whose friends think other friends aren't feeding their kids right. Should they break off the friendship? Prudie says to write, maybe anonymously, to the kids' pediatrician. I say: what kind of people are you???? Your response to suspected child neglect would be to stop seeing these people? You prefer closing your eyes to the problem to helping these kids? I don't know about the parents, but you sound like a real piece of merde. That said, you don't give any real info showing there's a problem. Are the kids skinny? Not growing? The crying after having a spoon removed could be any number of things other than a sign of malnutrition (maybe teething?). And just how does the 2yo act "as if he's hoarding" food? Just what does that look like? Stuffing his pockets? Filling his cheeks? And no, these people are not food "connoisseurs" if they forget to eat. Does a wine connoisseur forget to drink????

"Une surprise-party" in French is a dance party held at the home of a teen. 

Letter 4 is from a woman who has accidentally invited her mother's new worst enemy to a surprise anniverary party. Uh oh! Prudie says she may delicately uninvite. I say surprise parties are just about always a bad idea. Cancel the whole thing.

Advice Illustrated: The other side

1)
Dear Prudie,

I'm an attractive young woman who had no lack of suitors. I fell in love and married a guy whose intellect I greatly admired, even though I found him physically unattractive, and pretty lousy in bed. I'm now wondering if I haven't made a mistake, as he treats me like a child and refuses to engage in any serious discussions. All he likes to talk about are the silly TV shows I put on in the evening to relax after a hard day's work. Should I get out of this marriage before it goes on too long?

Signed,
He's awfully dim for such a bright guy

V)
Dear Prudence,

I was seeing this guy for a while, and we just slept together for the first time, which is when I discovered he is uncircumsized. I find this gross: is it too soon to ask him to have himself cut?

Signed,
If God wanted men to have foreskins, he wouldn't have made circumcision a sign of his everlasting covenant

2)
Dear Prudence,

We recently decided to kill two birds with one stone by helping out this unemployed fellow we met. We hired him to tutor our kids, with the goal of getting them through their rote homework faster so they would have time for their arts, hobbies, sport, and more useful activities. He's now bitching because he thinks the kids should do these pages and pages of busywork on their own, which makes me wonder what he thinks I'm paying HIM for. I hate to leave him with no income, but should I feel any scruples about letting him go?

Signed,
Piper payer

3)
Dear Prudence,

I was recently called in by some staff at a company who were interested in unionizing. Many of their colleagues are opposed to unions, because they are convinced that their firm is one big happy family and that if they unionize, they will hurt their company. What can I do to show these employees that unless they join together, they will continue to be called on to provide free labor and duties worthy of domestic servants to those who are making fortunes off their work?

Signed,
Wondering in Wisconsin

4)
Dear Prudie,

Because I'm getting old and a bit forgetful, my family is convinced I have Alzheimer's. I've decided that if they are convinced I'm losing it, I might as well enjoy myself. For example, at a recent party I made sure my son-in-law's sister was alone to see me with the bowl of fruit salad while I pretended to pick out the strawberries, lick them, and put them back in the bowl. My question, Prudie, is: next time, should I just pretend, or should I actually lick the suckers?

Signed,
Sane but silly

Advice Illustrated; Rolling my goo-goo eyes

Letter 1 is from a gal who has a half-sister the product of her father's affair. Half-sib is pregnant and wants LW to be part of the child's life. LW doesn't want to upset her mother, who remained married to dad, or dad, who paid child support but has had no other contact with half-sib. Prudie says that dad was a crappy dad to his other daughter, and that LW doesn't need her parents' permission to have a relationship with her half-sister.
I say, yeah. And wear a condom, guys, when you sleep around.

Video letter is from a guy whose friend is applying to grad school, and using LW's accomplishments to pad his own resumé. Prudie says that if it's really true, LW needs to call him on it, in a nice way.
I say, whatever.

Letter 2 is a clerical worker in a law firm. All staff were invited to the firm's St Patrick's party (huh?), but she later learned that as a pink collar she is supposed to be doing coat check. She played along last year, but doesn't know what to do this year. Prudie says this is work, so do it.
I say, if the party's not during office hours, it's not work, and it she's supposed to work, she should be paid. Ah, those damn unions.

Letter 3 is from a mom whose future DIL is a bridezilla, who is making LW buy a dress in an unattractive color. Prudie points out that weddings should not be Broadway shows with a color-coordinated cast of characters. A bride does not tell her guests what color to wear, even less when it's an elder, even lesser when it's her MIL.
I say that this is the aspect of weddings many gays really long for.

Letter 4 is from a girl who is flirting with a coworker. Due to a cinematic malentendu et quiproquo, he thinks she is someone else. Prudie says to fix this.

Advice Illustrated; cheating harlots

If's from HERE.

Letter 1 1s from a cheating harlot. Prudie tells her she's a cheating harlot. I also tell her she's a cheating harlot. I would push the legal action angle: if you're gonna ruin your relationship with the current BF, you might as well take this creep down. (But does she have the written proof of the extorsion?)

Video letter is from a future cheating harlot. Prudie tells her not to cheat. So do I, as I observe that Prudie is pretty hot when she gets riled and self-righteous (and right).

It could be so much worse: Imagine this was the fruit of your loins

Letter 2 is from a woman who feels intellectually inferior to her brilliant son. Prudie says to stop worrying, and gives some OK advice on how to manage. I suggest reading the recent advice to the woman whose BF, family and friends are all so much more successful than her.

Letter 3 is from a woman whose husband wants to bring his 6-year-old from a previous marriage on their European honeymoon (Europe! Ooo la la!). Prudie says this is no honeymoon, and the inadequate mother/ex issue needs to be dealt with. I say, if you don't want the kid, you shouldn't have married the guy. But it's true this is no honeymoon.

Letter 4 is upset that a private matter involving their child was broadcast on Facebook by a well-meaning relative. Prudie says to nicely explain to relative that LW doesn't want her private business to be a subject of public knowledge. I say Facebook is the devil.