Dear Prudie,Times are kind of tough, and after paying for my late mother's medical bills and funeral expenses, I'm really tapped out for Christmas.
A workmate has invited me to the baby shower he and his husband (they slipped through the Prop 8 crack) are having for the mixed-race twins they're adopting. I can't afford anything on their organic-only registry list, and would love to simply offer them the batch of cloth diapers my workmate offered my wife at our own baby shower (they're organic, natch). Alas, she miscarried, and the diapers are a bitter reminder of our loss we would be only too happy to get rid of. I don't feel right about the retrogifting, especially since the workmate says they plan to raise the twins diaper-free.
I would be particularly uncomfortable attending this baby shower, since my workmate has been having an affair with his old high school beard he reconnected with on Facebook. He explained that it started because he wanted to hook her in as a surrogate when it looked like their application to adopt was going nowhere. Despite the success in adopting, he continues to see her. I think he's not really in love with his husband anymore, but he is into the stylish image of the cool bobo gay couple with mixed-race twins (he thinks that he and his husband are our town's version of Kevin and Scotty). Anyway, he's used me as a cover, against my will, on several occasions, and I refuse to lie to his husband, so I prefer simply to avoid them.
In any case, my wife refuses to attend the shower. She "found God" a few months ago. She thinks the miscarriage was a message from God about our own wayward behaviour (let's say we used to do it in styles other than missionary), and now refuses to associate with sinners. She won't even let me accompany her to Christmas service at her new church, saying she will not have her house of worship defiled by an unbeliever. The only way we're staying married at all is because I did some Bible study myself (1 Corinthians 7:12-14).
I could recoup some of my expenses on my mother's illness and death by getting her sister to cough up the money she received from friends and other relatives to help out my mother, and which she has greedily kept for herself. I was about to take her to small claim's court, but my wife says that would be un-Christian, which I really don't understand, because she says I'm not a real Christian, and my aunt is a goddamn Wiccan.
So Prudie, here's my question: Can I get out of the shower by pointing out that parents are not supposed to be begging for presents?
Yours,
Broke in so many ways
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This response came in from Smagboy:
Dear Broke,
I think that you should tell your workmate that you've given your aunt a few thousand dollars to be used to purchase gifts, from you, to present at his baby shower (which, unfortunately, you'll be unable to attend as you'll be out of town). That way, your workmate will know to expect the gifts from you aunt. Make sure to tell him that you've instructed your aunt to buy only the finest mixed-race, Kevin and Scotty-endorsed, Angelina Jolie-inspired goods. Give him your aunt's telephone number, e-mail address and street address. No need to tell you aunt about this, by the way. As a matter of fact, I discourage it.
I believe this will solve two of your three problems. Your aunt will be pissed and never speak to you again, nor will your workmate. Either that or they'll find love in each others' shallowness and never bother you again. Now, for you wife, might I suggest, reading to her (1 Cor 2:15) instead of (7:12-14). This verse will allow her to feel justified in leaving you faster than a crack of lightning. You may believe that to be a problem, but you'll then be free to start a new life, without three of the loads with which you're currently burdened. That may unbreak you considerably and might actually begin to heal.
Sincerely,
The Smag
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