Advice Illustrated

They're here.

Letter 1 is from a dumb, dumb, stupid, foolish, idiot of a woman whose fiancé wants her to get a polygraph test before getting married. LW is addressing an expert on the subject, but you don't need to be one to tell her to please, please, please marry this guy so you can keep Dear Prudie in business for the next 50 years.

Video letter is from a woman whose son's new stepmom dresses like a slut. Prudie says to MHOB. I say, go for it! I look forward to future letters.

Letter 2 is from a woman whose father is eating himself to death. Prudie says to play on his love for his children. I'm saying it won't work, and he's probably gonna die.

Letter 3 is from a woman who has gone without a raise in 10 years, who will be losing some medical coverage, and whose employer expects her to maintain, nay to increase, her mandatory voluntary donations to the company's charity. Prudie says to play it safe and continue to cough up.
I say, again, oh, those foolish French who unionize and defend their rights!

Letter 4 is from a woman whose parents have moved to a smaller house. When she visits,she feels unwelcome. Prudie says to have it out with them.
I say to get a hotel room, and when they ask you why, to tell them then.

Advice Illustrated: Ho, ho, ahem

The originals are HERE.

Letter 1 is from a girl whose BFF is sleeping with a teacher. BFF wants LW to cover for her so she can bonk the teacher. Prudie says LW has to tattle to protect other girls from this creep.
I say, I will forgive your stupidity because you are a child. Your friendship with this girl is going to last a few more months, tops, and it's not very friendlike to put you in the position for lying to cover her misbehavior. Please tattle away and get the guy locked up.

Video letter is from a woman who met her husband while she worked as a lap dancer. How do they explain to their snobby neighbors how they met? Prudie says to tell them that she was working as a waitress to put herself through college.
I came up with the same idea, but even lest loose with the truth: say you were working at a bar. Do you really need us to come up with this white lie?

Letter 2 is from a woman who has just lost her baby. They're traveling to spend Xmas with her MIL, who wants Xmas as usual, which for her, requires extensive gift shopping and staying in your home, while LW would prefer gift cards and staying at a hotel. Prudie repeats my wisdom from Monday and tells her that she's a grown-up and she can do as she pleases. And get husband on board.
I say: why is it always the women who have to deal with the MIL? Where are the husbands? If the straights want to keep marriage to themselves, they need to start doing a better job of it!

Letter 3 is from a woman who has traditionally welcomed her daughter's best friend and her children to their Xmas celebration, but who no longer has room for them as her own children have begun coupling and reproducing. She feels bad about no longer extending the invite. Prudie says that that's the way things go sometimes, and to find a different way of involving this family in your celebrations.
I say this is a great pity. This family is now part of your own Xmas tradition, and I would hope you might find a new way of celebrating. If you can't fit everyone around the table, how about a buffet or something? Or two services, one for the kids and one for the adults?

Letter 4 is about no getting thank you notes and college funds and I don't want to recap it cuz I'm tired. What Prudie says will do. And I repeat my question about savings bonds.

Advice Illustrated, 2 December 2010: Comfort and joy

The original stuff is HERE.

Letter 1 is from a woman who won't indulge in her husband's desires for BDSM. Should she let him see a professional dominatrix? Prudie says yes (to my surprise).
So do I.

Video letter is from a woman who is friends with a couple that behaves violently with each other. She doesn't feel like staying friends, but thinks her friendly duty requires her to intervene. Prudie says that she can offer some advice, but feel free to leave if they don't change.

Letter 2 is from a woman whose MIL likes to take her daughter out for the afternoon. The problem is that MIL is a terrible driver. Her own daughters refuse to let her drive with their own kids in the car. But LW hates confrontation. Prudie says (rightly) that a mother should be able to get up the nerve to defend her child's life. And where's the father in this? And this woman shouldn't be on the roads to threaten the lives of anyone, not just her grandchildren.
I say, go Prudie! This woman is crazy. Either the MIL is a danger or she's not. And if she is, why in the world would you put your child in danger with her????

Letter 3 is from a Jew who wants to destroy Christmas. No, really, she's a human being who would like to do her job without getting indoctrinated from so-called Christians who think that God's judging them by the number of yards of tinsel they string up. In fact, the religiosity seems pretty mild, and Prudie says so. I say, yes, unless she can do better, this seems pretty run of the mill in terms of God-pushing. Just make sure you request paid days off for all Jewish holidays;

Letter 4 is from a woman whose inlaws want to take the whole family to Vegas for Xmas. She doesn't want to go. Prudie says she doesn't have to go. I say, duh. But why turn down a free trip to Vegas??

Advice Illustrated, 24 November 2010 "Give thanks for no Thanksgiving"

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, but there's not a single mention of the event in this week's letters. Hurrah!

Read the original HERE.

Letter 1 is from a sibling who is worried about their younger brother, aged 22, a victim of an overprotective mother. Prudie says to engage the support of their father, if she can, and get some professional help to let her brother grow up.
I say, have you ever had him to stay with you? Meet new people among your friends? Etc., etc.? Perhaps before getting the shrink in, you can already help him share your independent life.

No new video letter this week. So let's hear a plug for The Sporkful.

Letter 2 is from a bearded guy who's to be the best man at his sister's wedding. Sister insists he shave off his beard. Prudie says to tell her to stuff it. It's him and the beard, or not him.
I say, this is a great excuse to avoid the whole horrible experience of a contemporary wedding.

Letter 3 is from a woman who was cheated out of a job and had a bit of a cry in the parking lot, where the organization's director saw her sobbing. She's embarrassed. Prudie says the real issue is why she was cheated from the job, and the explanation she deserves for that.
I say that if she gets so worked up (not about her disappointment and dismay, but about being seen crying), she is not suited for a position of responsibility.

Letter 4 is from a woman whose husband is a fledgling doctor who shows disrespect and unethical behavior regarding (particularly female) patients. Should she narc him? Prudie says yes.
I say yes and DTMFA. If he's talking like this about women whose confidentiality he has a professional obligation to respect, what is he saying about you?

Advice Illustrated, 4 November 2010 "Do I have to?"

The original are HERE. The quality of letters seems to be improving a bit. Good job, Slate interns!

The question du jour seems to be "Do I have to?". The answer, usually, is "no". Unless it's "Yes, but fake it".

Letter 1 is from a guy who got away from a drug-addict abusive mother and saved his half brother from a similar fate. Now Mom is indigent, and her parents want LW to support her financially. Prudie says he would be a fool to go without even the most extravagant luxury to help that nasty person.
I say: ditto.

The video letter is from a "sex-starved newlywed". She wants lots of it with her husband, who's only up for it three times a week. She hates initiating. Prudie says that three times a week is OK, but he should be wanting it, not be pushed into it. They need to talk and he has to be encouraged to initiate. If not, get help.
I say: you're newleyweds. It's time to find a man who can meet your needs. I'm sure the Fray can provide many self-proclaimed champs at that.

Letter 2 is from a woman who's tired of the putdowns from her hosts when she attends her husband's cousins annual Thanksgiving dinner. Her husband won't defend her, and she doesn't know if she can defend herself. Prudie says to at least get the husband to acknowledge the hurtfulness of his cousin's behavior. Then she needs to either speak up or put up, or go elsewhere for Thanksgiving.
I say that unless we know just what this dig is, it's hard to know if LW is oversensitive or not. I like Prudie's suggestion for a response. I like even better the suggestion of going elsewhere for Thanksgiving.

Letter 3 is from a woman whose otherwise successful daughter has gone soap-free, because she just loves her natural body oils (and can no longer smell her natural body odor). Should LW butt in? Prudie says yes.
I say: if your mother can't tell you, who can? (And if she really wants to reduce her carbon footprint, she can jump in front of a Prius.)

Letter 4 is from an employee who just can't join in during the motivational pep rallies her employer puts on. Prudie says that she's fine there in the back of the room, and just needs to up the feigned enthusiasm a notch to be considered as a low-normal rather than an asocial misfit.
I say: Between iPhone apps, Facebook, the Fray and pep rallies, when do Americans actually work?

Advice Illustrated, 21 October 2010 "Short and curlies"

The originals are HERE.

Letter 1 is from a woman who's met Mr. Right, except that he's very poorly endowed. She only likes vanilla sex, so is this a deal breaker? Prudie says it doesn't have to be.
I have nothing to say but that I was very embarrassed for Prudie, who used this letter for her Tourette's-worthy spate of puns. Not appropriate, not funny, not helpful, not entertaining. Just sad.

The video letter is a waste of time. Already commented on it. My daughters are each beautiful, but one is beautiful in an eery way. Wooooooo.

Letter 2 is from a woman who's being hit up for a hair donation to make a wig for a sick child. Prudie says no way, José. Give cash, bring a casserole, but don't give up your hair to this rude, rude, woman.
I say you should go to the nearest barber and collect some hair clippings. Place in bag and give. Maybe she'll get the point.

Letter 3 is from a woman whose fiancé cheated on her. They're OK, and are now married. But she's now discovered that the friend for whom she's bridesmaiding has invited the Other Woman to all the wedding festivities, and treats her as a friend, despite having avowed her hatred of OW. She thinks it's too late to pull out of the wedding, but is not sure how to handle this. Prudie says the situation may not be what it appears, and she needs to talk to the bride-to-be, who in any case, should have warned LW. Prudie hopes the clarification will allow LW to follow through.
I say that my first reaction is that yes, anyone can choose their friends, and it's time for you to unfriend this bride and skip the wedding. But Prudie is right that she did end up theoretically happy, and she doesn't need to let the past influence the present. I would add that LW expects her friends to forgive and accept her husband, who was at least as responsible for the affair. (Has he apologized to any of them? No? Then he's on the same footing as the OW.)

Letter 4 is from a student who is soon to be a lawyer, but who hates the law and dreads practicing it. LW doesn't want to tell their parents that their investment was for nought. Prudie says that given the job market, staying in school to pursue other studies may not be a bad idea, but that LW can also find a profession that doesn't require her to practice law with her law degree, and cites the entire staff of Slate as examples of lawyers turned writers.
I say: yeah; But how can't you love the law? It's really interesting intellectually, morally, etc. etc.

Advice Illustrated, 14 October 2010: The truth about consequences

The originals are HERE.

Letter 1 is from a woman who has a horrible temper, although she claims she's trying to control it. At a family wedding she started screaming at her sister, who finally had enough of LW's shit and responded by saying she wanted nothing to do with LW again. LW just can't understand why. Prudie tells her why: she's a toxic person who spreads unhappiness, and cutting off ties with her is the best way for her family members to preserve their sanity.
I say Prudence provided a fine response. The truth: you're toxic. The consequences: people don't want to be around you.

The video letter is from a house-proud new home owner who expects everyone who visits to take their shoes off (despite some guests saying they prefer to keep their shoes on) and expects them to know that she expects this by some magical power of suggestion. Prudence says that in the US, people get to keep their shoes on, and she should get used to having a less-than-immaculate house.
I say she's nuts. If she wants people to take off their shoes, provide slippers for guests, and say, in the most gracious and un-neurotic way possible for you, "Here are some slippers if you want to take your shoes off". Now let's move to the real question: what form of birth control are you using? It better be damn good, because if you freak out over shoe-wearing guests, what's gonna happen when you create your own in-house dirtmongers? The truth: people get to keep their shoes. The consequences: you'll have to vacuum even more than your OCD is making you already.

Letter 2 is from a gay guy who assaulted a coworker who was driving him home (well, to a bus stop... what's with that?) after a dental procedure involving heavy sedation. Now coworker's skeeved out. Prudie says to apologize, and also: what's with the bus stop rather than driving LW home?
I say; what's with the bus stop rather than driving LW home? The truth: you assaulted him. The consequences: he wants nothing more to do with you.

Letter 3 is from a student who's renting an apartment owned by a horrible horrible person who did horrible horrible things in the apartment (or the building at least). He likes the cheap price and needs a place to live and has a lease, but feels horribly horrible. Prudie says he's stuck with the lease, and to make up for feeling horribly horrible by holding a fundraiser for a good cause.
I say, yeah. The truth: you've signed a lease. The consequences: you're gonna be paying this guy rent for a while. Go destroy an unborn chicken to compensate.

Letter 4 is from a new stay-at-home mom with three kids whose BIL and SIL are abusing her availability for free day care and babysitting. Prudie says to tell them she can't do it anymore, and that if they get upset, good riddance.
I mostly agree, but family members did use to help each other out. I say she should go back to work and let her husband raise the kids. Afterwards he can deal with his own sister and her husband. The truth: you made yourself a target. The consequences: someone's gonna have to put his foot down.

Advice Illustrated, 7 October 2010 "Boys will be hairy and girls will be self-righteous or drunk"

The originals are HERE.

Letter 1 is from a woman whose husband has developed a close friendship with a coworker. She feels left out, and thinks her husband might be in lurve with the guy. Prudie goes all Brokeback Mountain on the LW and urges her to find out if the cowboys are doing it.
I say: women tend to use any reason to accuse their partners of being gay. It's an effective controlling technique, for sure. If something physical is going on, LW does need to know, but the real problem is her impression that she's being left out of her husband's emotional life. When she complains about it, she needs to find a better way to answer her husband's reply. Like, "No, I don't want to break up your friendship, but I want us to talk about why you prefer to share your emotional life with him than with me." Guys do say "I love you, bro", and almost all of them aren't messing around.

The video letter is from a woman who broke off her friendship with a bridezilla as soon as the horrible wedding experience was over. Ten years on, friend is renewing her vows and wants LW to be her bridesmaid again. Prudie says don't.
I say: duh.

Letter 2 is from a grandmother whose young adult granddaughters took photos of their vagrant alcoholic mother (LW's daughter) at the hut she lives in under a bridge and posted them to Facebook. Prudie says it was not a good thing to do, but perhaps the granddaughters got some cathartic release from it. Now keep trying to help the granddaughters.
I say: ugh.

Letter 3 is from a yuppie who's tired of defending the fact that she actually worked hard to get a good job and can occasionally buy something she likes. Prudie says to dump the self-righteous do-gooders (with other people's money) friends.
I say: Whenever they bitch about your new car, ask them if they've done their bit for the planet by having themselves sterilised.

Letter 4 is from a woman whose husband periodically shaves his head. She hates it, but he says it's his head, so it's his decision and he likes to be intermittently bald. Prudie says to lay off him and try to enjoy the jarhead look.
I say: I have just this problem! I don't know that I've ever read a DP letter so close to a problem of my own. Add to it variations on facial hair, periodic whims to grow his hair or beard as long as possible (never very long in the end, because he succombs to the urge to clip), etc. etc. Prudie's right: it's not your head,it's not your problem, enjoy the fact that this inconsequential problem is the kind you have.

Dear Prudence, 23 Sept 2010, One-by-one: Balls are better than boobs

Sometimes it seems that balls are better than boobs.

The letters and answers are HERE.
Letter 1 is from a future teacher looking for work in her hometown. She has discovered that the teacher who cruelly bullied her when she was a child is still teaching in the school where she hopes to get a job. Should she denounce this evil woman? Prudence says to get her own reputation established, get tenure, and get the goods on creepy teacher.
I say: Whatever. Don't feel this one, and I'm not sure how real this bullying was. But Prudie's advice is good enough.

The video letter is from a hot young woman wearing a tight security officer uniform with lots of leather who is wondering how to deal with the catcalls and propositions from the drunken louts that frequent the amusement park she works at. Prudie gives some strategies that fall short of using her nightstick.
I say: What's this crap about "moonlighting"? To moonlight you need a day job. This is your job, dear, so make the most of it. With that out of the way, I can't believe this establishment approves of its female clients being abused like this, so I don't know why you shouldn't crack down hard on them (like by kicking them out). When you get fired, you can get a nice settlement after filing a sexual harassment case against your employer.

Letter 2 is from a woman who wears a bra, whereas her business partner should but doesn't. Prudie says to tell her to wear a bra.
I say: I can't be bothered.

Letter 3 is from a mommy whose unemployed husband has found a great job with lousy hours. This means he no longer sees his baby boy in the evening. This makes mommy unhappy and baby "hysterical". Prudie says, rightly, that it's mommy who's hysterical, and that it's time to grow up. Daddy can't change the hours worked in his firm, at least not now. And why can't he see the baby in the morning, if, as mommy says, staff arrive at 10am?
I say: Hell yeah! You are one crazy mommy. A 16-month-old gets "hysterical" because he doesn't see his daddy enough? Maybe he's just sick of his crazy high-strung mommy. I do sympathize with the problem of those who arrive early and leave early appearing to be goldbricking in the eyes of those who arrive later. But guess what: the ribbing works both ways? When he arrives at 8am and his colleagues roll in at 10am, he should just say: "Glad you decided to join us today!" or "You need to get a new alarm clock, dude!" or "Sorry, I made that coffee when I got in at 8, so you'll probably want to make some fresh".

Letter 4 is from a mommy whose child's friend often stays over. Friend is a picky eater and refuses what she's given for dinner. Prudie says to give her a gentle lesson about manners, and to find something she "can" eat, like milk toast.
I say: When she refuses what's on the table, say "I'm so sorry you don't care for this. I'm afraid I'll have to take you home for your dinner." Or call the brat's mom and say she'll have to cart over something her offspring will eat.

Dear Prudence, 16 September 2010, One-by-one: Please read your stupid letters before hitting SEND

The letters and answers from the Prudester are HERE.


Letter 1 is from a mother whose daughter is about to marry a creepy dude who rubs his crotch against LW, plays with himself (maybe), and does not engage in the sexual behavior her daughter is accustomed to. Prude says it's time to speak up in a supportive way, so as to avoid pushing her daughter into the arms of the creep.
I say: duh.

The video letter is from a guy whose partner hums and talks to herself. It's driving him crazy. Prudie says to bring it up with her, but don't count on the behavior changing.
I say: get an iPod.

Letter 2 is from a woman who was bullied as a child, and reacted by finding someone even more vulnerable to bully. She's found the victim on Facebook. Is it right for her to apologize? Prudie says, yes, but don't expect acknowledgement or forgiveness. And rolls some log or Emily Bazelon's series on bullying.
I say: yes, but without the log-rolling.

Letter 3 is from a woman whose unemployed B-i-L is about to sell his Caribbean timeshare. He has invited them to join him there for a last fling, and they "discussed" LW and hubby paying for food and drink during the stay. Now B-i-L also expects them to PAY FOR HIS TRANSPORTATION FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE TIMESHARE!!!!!! Something is fishy here. Evil B-i-L is exploiting a vulnerable woman. Help! Prudie says to go suck on it, bitch.
I say: No, it's "biatch".

Letter 4 is from a woman whose therapist never spells her name right. Yes, this is a problem. And the bigger problem is that after spending hundreds of bucks, she doesn't know how to deal with this. Prudie says just that.
I say: easy solution is to change your name to something easier to spell.